VideOh No: The Worst Of Justin Bieber

I will preface this by saying that I am an unapologetic and unashamed Justin Bieber fan. I love him and I fall well outside of his target demo. But I will also add that his current target demo of teenage girls will shift and change and I am already onboard. That said, The Biebs has released some pretty awful videos in his career so far. Like, embarrassingly bad. These are in no particular order of "badness," because, in all honesty, I am not sure I can pick a "worst." Let's just say all of these are in a five-way tie for last.

I love this song, thanks to the way it effectively points out the mixed messages that are the result of a failing relationship, and the way the beats dance along your ears as you listen. The video is like a short film, featuring John Leguizamo in all his creepy goodness. There's a creepy Scream mask-wearing kidnapper, too. There's also the familiar scenario of the Biebs courting a beautiful babe. But that's about where the good stuff ends. I am extremely uncomfortable with watching the singer, who is now 21, consorting with his lady love, rolling around on a hotel bed that is likely crawling with disease...because it's a hotel. The duo makes out, stares at one another, and is shirtless. It's all too softcore for me. Like, I can't. So I don't. I have watched the video twice since its bow and that's enough for me. But the thing I hate the most about this video? Bieber's bleached blonde hair. He looks like an Eastern European house music DJ. No, no, and no. Bring back the man bun.

This one isn't so much bad as it is...forgettable. Seriously, I almost forgot that it existed until I reviewed a bunch of Bieber videos to compile this list. Being unmemorable? Well, that's not really Bieber's stock in trade. The kid is largely unforgettable. In this clip, we watch him chase yet another hot chick in some sort of Matrix-y maze and he dances. The moves that he busts are pretty flawless, but this clip was stylized to the point of being soulless. It was all cheap heat. I'd probably have liked this video a lot more if he co-starred with his on-off, real life love Selena Gomez. So what if I'm a Jelena shipper? Come at me, bruh.

Again, you'll sense that the overall theme that I struggle with when it comes to Justin Bieber videos is that he was quickly sexualized in them. He was fast tracked to "hunk" status and this girl was not ready for the transition. I like his loose-fit leather pants, though. And the kid has washboard abs that he likes showing off way too much and while in various states of undress with a pretty young thing draped on his body. Of course, the actress is always an instant target that Beliebers hate with a vehemence, simply because she got to act alongside their hero. I just can't wrap my head around Justin Bieber in this leading man role. It's not subtle. You feel like a voyeur who stumbled into their bedroom while they were getting it on and you didn't leave—and they ignored your presence and kept going. It's too vivid. The ice cubes? The necking? It's all too intimate. I want to yell "Get a room!" Wait...I just did.

I also love this song, which is the signature hit that put the Biebs on the map. Sure, most of his detractors and haters detest the track and the video for that very reason. The reason that Amy the Bieber Fan hates this video? I get motion sickness while watching it. Like I need a Dramamine to deal with the dizziness I endure while watching the spinning part. So no, it's not the song. It's not the chorus. It's not even the swoopy bangs. It's the fact that spinning gives me a legit headache. I can't view it without feeling like my lunch will make a repeat appearance on the floor. I am also past the age of bubblegum, teenager hangs, too. So there's that.

Is it fair to hate on this video simply because it stars Jaden Smith, the privileged son of Will and Jada, who has long been a Bieber BFF? Yeah, I think it is. Seeing these two eating Twizzlers and chilling in the studio felt so fake. Since it was fake. This video has existed as a promotional vehicle for Smith as much as it was for Bieber, since it was used to push the Smith-starring remake of The Karate Kid. Some things are better left alone, no? The boys got their groove on in the studio and it was spliced with film clips, so the video could help hawk and pimp the film. It just didn't have any sort of vibe or pizazz. It was merely a cinematic promotional tool. Blergh.