Pizza Hut Triple Treat: For People Who Hate Themselves

There are easier ways to kill yourself, but guns have a waiting period and the toaster cord won't always reach the tub. What do you do when you just can't take it anymore right now? Call Pizza Hut.

Pizza Hut has revealed the Triple Treat, which is exactly what it almost sounds like: a threat to yourself, to reasonable food, to the already weak American healthcare system, and to your undying soul. The Triple Treat consists of two one-topping pizzas (medium size), a nearly pizza-sized cookie, and some breadsticks. It's intended to feed a whole family, but let's not fool ourselves.

Fact: any pizza with less than two toppings is basically just half a grilled cheese sandwich and you should be ashamed of yourself. Additionally, a medium pizza is a state of pizza that simply shouldn't exist. It's the middle child of the pizza family that's overlooked because it accomplishes nothing; it neither impresses with its ability to feed an entire family or inability to fit through a doorway, nor satisfies the hunger of a healthy individual.

On a purely economical level, two medium pizzas for $20 take up 1.58 square feet of pizza real estate at $12.65 per square foot, while one large pizza occupies a satisfying 1.07 cheesy square feet for $14.49, at $13.54 per square foot. Sure, it seems to make more sense to purchase two medium pizzas based on cost per pizza footage, but if they're one-topping pizzas, you may as well just be buying roadkill and running face-first into a brick wall.

The Pizza Hut Obesity Challenge Box starts at $19.99, but just like an app, you'll be charged for a hundred microtransactions along the way if you'd like stuffed crust, any additional toppings, or respect. But for a scant $20, you can disappoint your whole family with a couple of puny spinach pizzas with a honey Sriracha drizzle, because apparently that whole Sriracha thing isn't over yet.

[Via Mashable]