Kids Books That Are Actually Completely Messed Up

The world of children's literature is about more than just benign morality tales taught by anthropomorphic everythings. There's a whole cottage industry of kids' books that clumsily explain adult crap kiddos shouldn't have to deal with in the first place, like incarcerated parents, dieting, or Windows Home Servers. Other niche titles attempt to teach kids about the birds and bees, butts, and bodily functions — with unintentionally hilarious results.

We all know that having to poop can get in the way of our fun, but when you gotta go, well, you go. Apparently, kids don't always feel this way, and some are afraid to poop and tend to hold it in. It Hurts When I Poop by Howard J. Bennett is a book about a kid named Ryan whose fear of experiencing pain while he poops encourages him to hold it in, thinking it will all just magically disappear on its own. Of course, he can't do this forever, and eventually he has to do the deed. So, as the story goes, "Sometimes it came out as hard little balls. Other times in came out as one big ball." Yes, that's an actual quote from the book.

Within the story is a second story told by little Ryan's doctor, which can be heard in this dramatic reading on YouTube talk-show Good Mythical Morning, if you're looking to traumatize your children for life. It's about a coyote who doesn't clean up after himself, basically grows up to be a hoarder, and has a house so full of garbage that it's about to explode. If you haven't figured it out yet, it's all an analogy for what happens when you hold in your poop. So, if you want to scare the crap out of your kids (literally), read this story to them at bedtime so they'll think you explode if you don't take your daily poo.

In the children's book Where Willy Went by Nicholas Allan, Willy is a sperm. Kind of a stupid sperm, it seems, as he can't manage to figure out even the simplest mathematical equations. Readers follow Willy from Mr. Browne's testicles as he swims toward Mrs. Browne's prized egg. Willy might be an idiot, but he's quite the swimmer, and he beats out the other 300 million or so sperm, knocking up Mrs. Browne in the process.

If you were thinking this was a story about how babies are made, well, you'd only be half-right. See, after the Brownes have a baby girl, readers are left to ponder one of the universe's largest mysteries: where did Willy go? Readers are left to believe that Willy somehow morphed into the little girl, as she is also a bit stupid, a great swimmer, and, apparently, got none of her mother's DNA. That's how science works, right?

I Wish Daddy Didn't Drink So Much by Judith Vigna is a Christmas story told by Lisa, who seems to want to rain on her father's boozy parade by demanding he actually go sledding with her like he'd promised. Doesn't she know parents are always making promises they have no intention on keeping? Sounds like little Lisa needs a wakeup call.

Later in the story Lisa's father runs out of beer, and heads out, likely to the bar. When he comes home, nice and tipsy, Lisa selfishly wishes that she could have a Christmas like other families. Um, does she not understand that the holidays are only about getting wasted and eating too much sugar? Oh, and gifts — lots of gifts. Lisa's mother would disagree, however, as all she's concerned about is the turkey she cooked. Lisa doesn't even learn her lesson by the end of the book, as she still thinks her father getting drunk over the holidays is a bad thing.

Unless there's a novelization of "Baby's Got Back" floating around out there that we're unaware of, no other book in existence is as obsessed with butts as The Tushy Book by Fran Manushkin. Unlike practically every other children's book on the shelves these days, this one has no big life lesson or even, like, a point. It's just a parade of tushies. Sure, the dead-simple rhymes and constant use of the word "tushy" might make it fun for slow kids to read, but do you know who else might like to read this kind of book? Total creepos and pervazoids, that's who. You can practically hear their panting in lines like, "Tushies small or tushies plump / Pillow you on every bump" or "Every tushy's in the back / Every tushy has a crack." You'll want to take a shower after this one.

Sure, there are other kids' books out there featuring toddler tush, but those books teach kids how to use the potty or put their Underoos on — totally innocent tushy-related activities. The Tushy Book, however, actually teaches kids this: "Your tushy fits on every lap." C'mon, not every lap, Fran. Haven't you heard about Stranger Danger? Talk about sending the wrong message.

Apparently no one does, and that's why author and illustrator Pam Adams felt it was necessary to write this nonsense. Who Cares About Elderly People starts by going over all the things that suck about getting older, like how old people can no longer use a jump rope, or how they start losing their minds and water their plants with milk. Even though the book goes on for far too many pages about depressing crap like dentures and wheelchairs, they eventually turn it around and talk about all of the positive things about getting old, like fishing. Yeah, that's it.

Oh, and apparently when you get old you have to take on ridiculous hobbies like golfing and painting since you have nothing better to do with your time. Or you can work until you die. Great options, huh? The book eventually turns it into a story about how great it is for kids to spend time with their grandparents, as long as they're not too loud or annoying, of course, because old people get angry at noise. At an unnecessary 32 pages long, it's safe to say that if you're in need of some assistance starting a fire, this book would make some great kindling.

It's always awkward watching your father getting dragged off to jail, no matter how many teddy bears the police officers bring you. Luckily, having a book like The Night Dad Went to Jail by Melissa Higgins lying around can ensure that your kid understands what a lowlife their father is, even before they're arrested. And if they have an amazing father who has never been in trouble with the law a day in his life, it's best to have this book on hand anyway, you know, just in case. You wouldn't want the cops banging on your door only for your kid to not realize that, like the little bunny in this book, your kid should expect a teddy bear from the arresting officers. Wouldn't want little Suzy or Johnny getting ripped off.

The only allure of this kids' book is looking for clues that might give away what this bunny's father did to get locked up. Did he rob a bank? Was it money laundering? Fraud? If you saw the craphole of an apartment he's living in, then you'd understand the assumption that it had something to do with money. Also, the little bunny's father eventually gets sent to prison after spending a few months in a local jail, so he must have gotten involved in some serious crime. The Night Dad Went To Jail is great for adults, as well, so if your child's father gets locked up and you feel that adult books on the topic could be, well, complicated, the tips placed sporadically throughout this kids' book should do the trick.

If you thought this book was about explaining to your child why you've hired a butler or housekeeper, well, you'd be seriously wrong. Likely something funded by Microsoft, Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House? by Tom O'Connor and Jill Dubin is a book written to explain to your kid why you have an in-house computer server. If you're from the cloud generation, you might be more familiar with the server in your office. You know, the one that never seems to be functioning properly and gives all of your colleagues access to your files so they can "accidentally" delete them. Apparently people used to have these in their homes, but according to the book, daddies only bought them if they loved their wives. So, if you didn't have one in your house growing up, then you might be disappointed to hear that your parents didn't have the best relationship.

This kids' book helps explain some benefits of the server, and of course implies that your parents never loved you if you didn't have Windows Home Server lying around. Was this book gifted to children by Microsoft? Seems like it. Should Microsoft have gone over the manuscript a bit more carefully before publishing it? Absolutely.

Apparently Maggie is a child who eats her emotions and finds herself scrounging through the refrigerator for cheese and other snacks in the middle of the night. She's a clumsy runner, but still makes an attempt at sports. The other kids tease her, so it only makes sense to write a book ... about poor Maggie's diet? What? Would it be inconceivable to write a book that helps young girls accept their appearance and find happiness? Maggie Goes on a Diet by Paul Kramer does the opposite: it's about a kid that's practically fat-shamed into eating less and working out until she's skinny enough to be accepted by her classmates.

Suddenly she's popular and getting attention from the popular girls and boys in school. The same boys who teased her for being fat it seems are now her crushes. Apparently, the new Maggie forgets what these guys had said to her when she was heavier, sending the wrong message to young girls reading this crap. What makes this book even more messed up is that when Maggie gets invited to a sleepover, it seems like she suddenly gets massive diarrhea or something during the party? What does that even have to do with her diet? At least Maggie covers up the smell with her spray-on deodorant, because we all know young girls carry that around with them every where they go. The book's title actually caused so much controversy that it was changed to Maggie Eats Healthier. You can't really blame the author in this situation. Asking a man to write a book about prepubescent female baby fat is like asking him to explain menstrual cycles. They just can't.

Not exactly a how-to guide to get your kid to properly use the bathroom, Little Monkey's Big Pee-ing Circus by Kees de Boer has likely inspired little boys and girls to miss the toilet in attempt to create their own "Big Pee-ing Circus." The book attempts to teach kids to the difference between boy parts and girl parts, but rather than explain how each is used in reproduction, it explains how each is used to urinate. Not exactly the answer to an "age-old" question, as advertised. Instead of teaching kids why boys stand and girls squat, the book's illustrations give kids far too many game ideas involving urine.

The little boy monkey relieves himself on the very first page while the little girl monkey watches. He then decides that he's so talented at doing the deed, he should put on his "Big Pee-ing Circus" each day, showing off his yellow stream's reach with increasingly complex obstacles. At one point, he's even able to pee from one page to the next while all the animals from the zoo or jungle or wherever these elephants and monkeys reside together look on with awe. Nothing like a book to teach your child how to make a mess in the bathroom, or even worse, not in the bathroom.

With all the kids books out there about pooping and peeing, you'd think children were obsessed with using the bathroom. According to The Long Journey of Mister Poop by Angele Delaunois, though, they're not so much obsessed as they are curious about where it comes from.

This book takes the scientific approach to digestion, as a wolf in a lab coat takes readers step by step through this not-so-pleasant process. It starts will a little girl eating an apple, shows the apple travel from the esophagus to the stomach, then head to the small intestine, and ... well, you know the rest. Learning about the digestive process is important, sure, but some of this book's illustrations take it a bit far. That red hat Señor Caca is wearing in the picture above, for example? It's not a hat: it's a bit of undigested apple skin. That's vile. Hasta luego, Caca!