Regular Jobs You Had No Idea Were Dangerous

You want a job, but not a dangerous one that'll kill you for real, not just on the inside. So miner, police officer, Deadliest Catch-style fisherman: all big nopes. But beware: many jobs that sound nice and comfy are actually more dangerous than eating that puffer fish that once almost killed Homer Simpson. Here are some of the safest seeming jobs that are about as safe as running with scissors, blindfolded, on ice.

Practicing law takes years and years of college, and also years and years off the lawyers' lives. So, what dangers are there out there waiting for lawyers? Is it homicidal ex-clients? Angry people you've sued? People who took Shakespeare a little too literally? Nope, much like all great evils — Hitler, Hemingway, Voldemort — the only thing that can destroy a lawyer ... is themselves.

Yep, you guessed it! Suicide. Lawyers are killing themselves at an exponentially high rate — at least one hundred and three lawyers killed themselves in one year alone. It's hard to pin down one reason why, but endless stress, countless hours, and the pain of knowing your job sometimes involves punishing the innocent and freeing the guilty are good contenders.

Now, if you read this entry going, "Wow, those lawyers have the right idea!" remember that A) no, they don't, because lawyers rarely do, and B) you can always reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Believe it or not, it can help. If you're suffering from any suicidal thoughts — yes, even if you're a lawyer — we heartily recommend calling them, or reaching out to a friend or family member, and overall not committing suicide because of Grunge. You're not Kurt Cobain.

One of the most innocuous things on Earth — doing the laundry — is also surprisingly deadly. Yep, that thing you do all the time, unless you're single and have given up? Don't do it for a living, or it could kill the hell out of you!

See, unlike the laundry machines that you use, people who are employed solely to wash clothes use things that are a little less "clunky vibrator," and more "deadly mangler of human flesh and bone." Thirty laundry workers died in 2014 alone, which isn't exactly Black Plague-levels, but that's still way more death than should be attributed to keeping whites stain-free.

Not only that but ... uh, how to put this delicately? A lot of super-gross bodily fluids can end up on clothes, and those fluids can carry super-gross diseases. We're not just talking Cinemax material either, but HBO stuff — aka blood. Yeah, people who do laundry professionally don't just handle somewhat soiled clothes, but can do heavy-duty stuff too, like cleaning off blood from sheets or other, grosser things. (Think butt.)

All in all, it seems like people who do laundry need to be paid way more than they are, because it's obviously the most dangerous and disgusting job on Earth. Right?

Actually, nope. There's something even more disgusting ...

Limo driver? This isn't a "most glamorous jobs" article! How the hey is driving a limo on this list? Well, to be clear, limousine and taxi driving are grouped together in statistics (stats like: 18 deaths per 100,000 workers, which is 36 times higher than other workers), so there's no exact way to find out if taxis are skewing it. One thing we do know is that Uber, Lyft, all of those carshare apps aren't counted, so we don't know how dangerous they are (although our guess? hella dangerous).

Now you might think the reason behind this being a pretty dangerous profession is, you know, car accidents. After all, it's a job where you're driving all the time and — judging by everybody we've ever ridden in a bac with — probably not very well. But that's not it. The drivers of taxis get murdered just a ton. It makes sense, in a horrible way, because it's kind of a fast and easy way to commit a robbery. You're already in the getaway car, after all.

The dangers of truck driving just have to involve car crashes, right? Actually, no. So, what is it, then? What's the thing that's killing truck drivers? Is it the Black Dog, a ghoulish beast who kills tired truckers by shocking them awake and forcing them off the road? Well, probably, but that's not the official explanation.

Believe it or not, this one has a cause of death that you too are almost definitely at risk of dying from: a sedentary lifestyle and horrible food. Yep, that's really it. Think about it — what are the food options on the road like? It's all McDonald's and ... no, that's basically it. Wendy's maybe. In addition to truck drivers only having enough time to eat various blobs of grease, truck drivers don't really have any time to sleep, either which is another thing that causes poor health. Not to mention crap driving and accidents, which ... yeah, go ahead and blame it on the Black Dog. Bad demon dog!

Real estate agents — you know, those people who used to exist back when people had the money to buy land or property — apparently die a lot. But how? Rogue houses? Disgruntled homeowners? Angry guard dogs?

Nope — car accidents. Think about it: real estate agents have to drive all over God's green Earth, and aren't expected to do more than pass a test at age sixteen. So, since real estate agents have to drive around to dozens of locations, despite not being professional drivers, they're at a higher risk for getting into deadly car accidents.

But what if you really want to get into real estate, you ask? We have a very simple solution for you: move to a city with excellent public transportation! It definitely won't look weird to take your prospective clients to a $500,000 mini-mansion on the bus! You'll be fine.

All right, all of these jobs seem super city-based. What about something that involves the pureness and beauty of nature? How about the life of a farmer? Up at dawn, you do something with chickens, there's probably a tractor involved, you get to eat food that you make yourself, and when society crumbles you won't have to worry (much) about starving to death! Seems like a win-win.

But, of course, there's a hidden dark side to this seemingly idea profession, and not just annoying bugs eating your crops and flying up your nose all the time. Nope, the real danger is our old friend Suicide. Again. Apparently, farming isn't entirely the hunky dorey fun in the sun trip it seems. According to the experts, "Identified factors for the high farmer suicide including access to firearms, the prospect of unemployment, financial difficulties, and a sense of personal failure." Ouch. Okay, so maybe this isn't the job for us either.

And don't think this is a minor deal. For instance, in India alone, seventeen thousand farmers kill themselves each year. Did you catch that? 17,000. Still feel like being just like them? Please call this number: 1-800-273-8255.

Alright, so let's do something green and serene, but not so alone. How about landscaping? Cutting trees, cutting the lawn, and just generally killing nature so it doesn't overtake our man-made structure sure sounds great and relaxing.

Except, it's not, and we're not going to beat around the bush (heh) when explaining why. Apparently, the trees are alive with the sound of music — namely, the hard metal rock of anger and revenge. Yep, the number one threat to people in landscaping is the trees fighting back — aka branches falling on them, trees falling on them, and the like. Close to 200 landscapers get nature'd to death every year, which is likely the planet's way of saying, "quit scaping my land, trespasser!"

Other causes of death here include drowning (this is why you never bother cleaning out a pool, ever) and hitting power lines while cruising around pruning, at which point you learn that just because Electro got powers that way, doesn't mean you will.

So ... are there no jobs out there that aren't full of danger? How about food service? Just work at McDonald's, at night when there are few customers, and just chill. How can that go wrong?

Easy, that's how. So what's the danger of food service? Is it smelling like peanut oil nonstop? Getting some specific soda-based diseases? Nope — try murder. Yeah. See, less people frequent fast food places at night, but a higher percentage of those people are robbers. Since there's only a skeleton crew — sometimes only one person on location — it makes it that much easier to rob the place, and also kill any witnesses.

You know what? After running through all this, maybe you shouldn't go out and apply for a job. Maybe you should just work home, writing for the internet. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.