How Clowns Can Reclaim Their Non-Creepy Reputation

Despite what you may have heard in the news, there are actually a few good clowns out there that use clowning for good. Well, unless you're just afraid of clowns. In that case, they're all pretty much awful. But not all of them are actively trying to be awful by terrorizing their communities. Unless they're the subject of a Stephen King novel. Or John Wayne Gacy. Or the Joker. Or Krusty. Or ...

OK clowns, it's clear you need to do some serious damage control to revamp your tainted image. Since everyone deserves a shot at redemption, here's some potential ways to win over some hearts and minds.

For 23 seasons and 11 years, dozens of D-listers and celebs have waltzed, mamboed, and jived on the juggernaut show, Dancing with the Stars. It's helped revive careers for some (who knows if NKOTB's Joey McIntyre have had the same post-boyband acting career without his 2005 appearance), and publicists often book the show when looking for the perfect vehicle to save their celeb clients' reputation.

The fact that the show airs on the Disney-owned ABC, and is a ratings machine, means maximum exposure in front of the very demographic clowns need to court most right now: families. If competing for a disco ball trophy can help Paula Deen look less racist, or distract us from Ryan Lochte's international scandal, then it surely it can help de-creep the clown community.

Remember when Angelina Jolie used to wear a vile of blood around her neck, collected knives, and engaged in PDA with her brother? Barely, because Angie's reputation did a 180 right around the time she adopted her first kid, Maddox. If adopting a kid (or three) can get people to forget how she used to brag about getting busy in the limo with then-hubby Billy Bob Thorton, then it surely can get people to forget about some sinister clowns chasing kids on the subway.

Celebrities are all about controlling their public image as much as possible, and the paparazzi plays a pretty active role in that, despite what some famous people would have you believe. Celebs are always arranging for pap shots to help generate some positive press. Add in advocating for abused circus animals, and it's a surefire way for clowns to win back favor with the general public.

69% of Americans are concerned about the welfare of circus animals, even outnumbering those worried about animals used in research. Combine that with how these animals have worked alongside clowns for decades, their support would send an even stronger message, and do tons toward proving to the public that the new era of clownage cares about animals just as much as it does children and seltzer water.

Hating Justin Bieber has all but replaced baseball as this country's national pastime. Yet, despite being the worst thing Canada's responsible for that isn't related to asbestos, the Biebs managed to rack up some much-needed goodwill courtesy of Ellen (on two separate occasions, because some people just never, ever learn). Granted, he was back to his douchey ways in no time, but that's hardly Ellen's fault.

If going on Ellen (temporarily) worked for the most hated Canadian since Nickelback, then it certainly can work for clowns. A couple dozen of them can show up in their one car, cry for forgiveness, dance, hug, and just like that, they're everyone's favorite form of entertainment again.

Mindfulness continues to increase in popularity, thanks in no small part to the growing list of celebrities that swear by it. It's also become a billion-dollar industry. Since people love a good comeback as much as they love to heed whatever unsolicited advice celebrities throw their way, it makes sense that these two would go together like Lindsay Lohan and bad excuses.

Any business-savvy clown can get the most bang for the comeback buck by spouting how yoga and meditation saved clowns, a la Colin Farrell. Follow that up with a book deal, then a lifestyle site, which are all the rage in the celebrity world now, and clowns are bound to become hotter than whatever overpriced, pretentious ridiculousness is in Gwyneth Paltrow's latest newsletter. Like you wouldn't fervently follow Clown Goop, which would not be as disgusting as it sounds, we promise.

Despite being in a couple of Marvel movies, Tom Hiddleston was hardly a household name. But thanks in part to his highly publicized, yet short-lived and possibly (definitely) faux romance with professional paparazzi star Taylor Swift, Hiddleston's web traffic and popularity saw a generous boost in numbers. Even better, he out-maneuvered Swift in the press when they broke up, posturing as the doting beau whose heart was just broken and earning some major sympathy points with teens and tweens all across the country in the process.

Chuckles can do the same thing! All a clown has to do is start hanging around Hyannisport, experience their own meet-cute with Swifty ("She wears high heels / I wear huge shoes"), be seen wearing an article of clothing professing their love for her, and make sure to take the high road via press release when the eventual breakup happens. For once, a sad clown would make us feel for him, not run away.

A surefire way to get popular, at least on the internet (which is basically the only place that matters now) is by penning a moving, personal essay on Medium. Bonus points if it goes viral. A clown, representing all the other clowns, can tell the world — or at the very least, the Medium community — how you denounce the creepy clown community, because these clowns don't embody or live up to whatever tenets clowns hold sacred. Something about whoopie cushions, probably.

Medium's readership is mostly made up of educated 18-34 year olds, which happens to be a highly coveted market. A clown racks up a few essays and a nice following, and they could even potentially land a highly lucrative book deal. At the very least, it may score them a newer, less creepy gig.

Rehab is a tried and true step in showing the world you've changed, or at the very least, you tried to change. A person has to be truly heartless to completely lack empathy for someone who's actively working to battle their demons and become a productive member of society.

Celebrities are always going to rehab for all sorts of reasons, one of the most popular catch-alls being "exhaustion." So who's to say that all this creepy clown nonsense isn't taking it's toll on all the good, decent clowns out there? A month or two away would not only leave any clown perfectly rested, and not only would it garner the clown community tons of sympathy points, but it gives them plenty of time to disappear from the limelight so some other fool with a questionable hairstyle can dominate the news for a few weeks, thus shifting the focus off clowns.

When all else fails, it's time to call in some backup and take the fight to the creepy clowns ruining it for everybody. And who better to help fight a bunch of demented weirdos with facepainted smiles than Batman? No one. First, Batman is a professional when it comes to fighting freaks in clown makeup. Second, he has no problem taking the heat when the general public turns on the good guy. It's kinda his thing. But most of all, Batman has some seriously unresolved anger issues — something that Ben Affleck apparently relates to, but that's a whole other discussion — and as recent videos have shown, he has already proved he's more than willing to take out as many nefarious clowns as he finds. He's the hero we need, and this time, he's got backup. Horn-honking, flower-squirting backup.