Charmin Debuts Toilet Paper 'RollBot' At CES 2020

Good news for anyone who doesn't have small children or a cat today: now, you too can experience the sensation of never, ever feeling alone in the bathroom, as Procter & Gamble has introduced the world to a toilet paper robot.

Look, there's a lot to talk about here, and not a lot of time, so we're going to skip the obvious jokes like "Pot-o-bots, roll out" and "is its name Fartoo-D2?" and "forget the Turing test, can this thing pass the manure-ing test?" Instead, let's focus on the facts. We're all adults here, so let's be adults for once instead of wasting our time making cracks about how this machine will know exactly what you BB-ate.

Per CNET, the robot in question is known as the RollBot, and was unveiled at the 2020 Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas on January 5th. The self-balancing two wheeled contraption features the face of a bear, exists only to bring you a fresh roll of TP, and will, with 100% certainty, achieve sentience in the near future, bringing humanity to heel, wiping out all that stands in the path of machine dominance, and creating a Charmin clean dystopia. The adorable and decidedly niche new robot overlord of the bathroom features no arms or means of reaching a cupboard, which means that users would need to load it with a new roll every time it performed its function, begging the question "is this actually easier than just changing out the toilet paper yourself like a grown up?"

Unfortunately, the RollBot is not currently available for consumer purchase. Also unfortunately, we really don't have time for any hilarious turns of phrase like "they should've called it the porta-botty" or "they should've called it the Turd-minator" or "they should've called them the Stepford Wipes."

Still, if anybody was going to develop a toilet paper robot, you'd think it would've been IBM.

Swish.