The Dumbest Animal In The World

There is little in this world that man loves more than pointing at another living being and saying "Look at that dumb dumb," while picking his nose with his other hand and feeling, for one brief moment, superior to something else. It is a behavior exhibited in our adoration for house pets, our viewership of America's Funniest Home Videos, and our continued patronage of the United States Senate.

So what, one may ask, is the least intelligent creature under the sky? What beast possesses so little intelligence as to be considered meat with a fart for a brain? Where do we go when we, the apex of natural evolution, want to dunk on the total dip of the animal kingdom?

Pandas are gosh danged idiots. Deal with it.

Yes, there are other animals that could be classified as, technically speaking, more block-headed. Jellyfish and sea sponges have no brains. A starfish also lacks what scientists refer to as "a think bucket," while simultaneously using its own mouth as a butt. Yet still, the panda bear is thick in the skull like a mannequin head full of molasses, and they do grosser things with their hineys. Panda cubs are unable to process the sweet, sweet bamboo that they love so very much at birth, so they eat their mothers' feces to obtain the bacteria necessary to build up a tummy capable of turning plants into more panda.

And you know what's crazy? They don't even have to do that. Pandas are one hundred percent able to subsist on meat like every other bear on the planet. It's what their bodies were built to do. But they don't, the morons. They eat bamboo, and exclusively bamboo, to the point where sometimes they'll just starve to death without it in spite of the many other potential food sources available to them. Combine that with the fact that they flat out refuse to go to bone town with other pandas, and you've got yourself the dumbest animal on the planet, with the possible exception of your brother-in-law's dog who you watch on weekends sometimes.