The Fastest Fish In The World

As we all know, a fish is pretty much useless if you can't ride it on the freeway. If they're not pumping NOS and pulling g's, our gilled comrades from the salty depths are basically just poke bowls that won't get in our mouths.

If you, like many of us, can't feel alive without the adrenaline rush that comes from watching fish go real fast, we've got great news for you. You can stop wasting your weekends hoping you'll see a trout break the sound barrier. Save your adulation for the best of the best. We've tracked down the fastest fish in the world.

If only the fastest fish is good enough for you, look no further than the black marlin. It hits speeds that would make a highway patrol officer wet his utility chinos. According to the World Atlas, they've been clocked at 129 kilometers per hour, or a little over 80 mph if you want to get American about it. Think about that. That's how fast your brother in law drives when you have to awkwardly point out that there are kids in the car. That's 91% of the speed necessary to go back to the future. It's almost ten miles an hour faster than the world's fastest FAI-approved zeppelin. 

Black marlins are fascinating creatures, growing up to 15 feet long and weighing as much as 1,600 pounds. Like so many of nature's extremes, they're primarily found close to Australia. They can also be found around Mexico, Central America, the Indian Ocean, and, let's face it, pretty much anywhere they want to be, moving like that. Animal Planet observed that they can migrate more than 6,000 miles, one presumes while listening to "East Bound and Down" and hauling 400 cases of Coors. 

Also, USA Today reports that in 2008, a group of fishermen netted a cool $3 million for a black marlin caught off the coast of Cabo San Lucas. How much do you think you could get for your beta? Embarrassingly little. Make sure it knows that you're ashamed of it.