This Might Be The Best Item To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

The future may be a nebulous mass of uncertainty, writhing and undulating as the spasms of causality ripple through reality. But there's one thing we know for certain: the zombie apocalypse is coming, and there's nothing we can do to stop it.

And when it arrives, where will you be? Panicking like a frightened racoon with its head stuck in a Pringles can? Weeping on the floor of your shower as the undead masses scratch and claw their way into your first floor apartment? Lying comatose in the hospital, waiting for your moment to wake up and go "Hey, what happened?" like so many Rick Grimeses or Cillian Murphys?

Hell no you won't. You're a driver, you're a winner. You're going to be well prepared when the decomposing bodies of your friends and loved ones come at you, jaws biting and claws clutching in a manner befitting the most manxome foe.

You're going to have exactly the right tool for the job. And you know what that is?

A pizza. Specifically a pizza from Dante's on Milwaukee Avenue in Chicago's Logan Square/Avondale neighborhood, should you be in the area. We'll explain.

Looking for the best item to help you survive the zombie apocalypse is a lot like looking for the right penny to win the jackpot scratch ticket. As has been pointed out, your statistical likelihood of making it to the end of an undead nightmare scenario sits at about one in 41 million, with researchers at the University of Leicester calculating that, after 100 days of zombification, only 181 uninfected people would be left on Earth. While it's certainly empowering to think about yourself I Am Legend-ing across a barren city and taking a blunt object to some undead skulls like Charlie with a rat stick, you'd be more likely to get hit by lightning. Twice.

Here's the point: once the living dead hit the fan, mathematically speaking? Your day isn't going to get any better. 

But at least a pizza isn't going to make it any worse.

And the ones at Dante's? Chef's kiss. The slices are as big as your head and the crust is just this perfect marriage of thin and doughy. 

Plus you can get one for a fraction of the cost of a zombie-proof car, which, no kidding, the Esurance blog lists at number one.

Think about it this way — you could get the zombie-proof car, but a pizza's gonna be way cheaper, living proof you've got better things to eat than flesh, and a guaranteed ticket to ride when that sucker with the car rolls up.