Products That Prove We've Gone Too Bacon-Crazy

Despite how it comes from surprisingly cute and intelligent animals, bacon is, without a doubt, the tastiest meat of them all. And while it'll play the lead in breakfast, the adorable sidekick in burgers or a BLT, and as an extra in your favorite salad, it has gradually found its way into innumerable other products. Unfortunately, as you are about to find out, many a supposed yum-yum has been created that would make even the most determined bacon junkie cry uncle.

The craft beer revolution in the United States has changed the nature of a night out forever. No longer are we forced to choose between bad beer, and bad beer light, but instead get to choose from an almost unlimited menu of malty, hoppy, deliciousness. But, as with any new freedom, there are always going to be abuses, and this one tastes of bacon ... and doughnut, and maple—as if any one of those wasn't already a crime. Rogue Brewing of Oregon makes many delicious beers, and it might even be that this one tastes good too, but that doesn't make it right.

Bacon has been showing up in bloody marys for a while now, usually in the form of an actual piece of bacon on a skewer. But obviously, for some people, a single piece of the pig is never enough because now, thanks to the geniuses at Black Rock Spirits and their Bakon Vodka, the bacon flavor is there "in spirit" as well.

The smell of bacon is often hailed as one of its best qualities: it has probably created more former vegetarians than any other meaty smell. And so perhaps it's inevitable that someone might seek to harness that power in the form of a cologne. Marketed to both men and women, Bacōn Gold and it's sister fragrance Bacōn Classic are not jokes, but actual proper serious fragrances—for really reals. However, the producer, Fargginay, makes it clear that the bacon part of the scent is "hidden in just the right place" and "the real fun's in finding it." Let's hope the hiding place is in Fargginay's break room refrigerator, and the real fun is them eating it for lunch.

Usually, when people have a bath, they are trying to get rid of the greasy smell of frying bacon that they carried home from work. However, since we've already established that there is a market for bacon-scented body products, perhaps you won't be surprised to find out that there exists a bacon-scented soap. No actual bacons were harmed in the production of this soap, and it will probably leave your skin as smooth as a pig's bottom. So if you can get over rubbing yourself with what looks like a slab of raw meat, and the idea of smelling like bacon after a bath instead of before is appealing to you ... then you're the reason this article is being written, and maybe you should have a think about that.

So you've washed in it, you smell like it, you've been drinking it, and maybe it's all paid off. Maybe the bacon lover of your dreams fell in love at first sniff. So after flirting outrageously over your bacon cheeseburgers all evening, how do you seal the deal in this creepy meaty fantasy? A bacon-flavored goodnight kiss courtesy of Bacon Lip Balm, of course! Because obviously, you want to make the apple of your eye forever associate you with unhealthy eating choices.

Putting the creepy meaty fantasies aside for a moment (because this is creepy enough without any extra narrative), we have what can only be described as a meta-entendre—the bacon condom. Not satisfied with simply referring to your "baton" as meat, when you make unwanted comments to passing women, now you can make it look like a piece of streaky bacon as well! Perfect for when that dating strategy finally pays off (spoiler: it won't). And if you're planning to use these in a meat-themed adult film, you'll be happy to know that they're coated inside and out with bacon lube ... because yes, that exists too.

Condoms and lube are really just the tip of the iceberg if you're looking for evidence of our national bacon obsession. The real culprit is J&D's foods, an entire company with only one purpose: to sell bacon stuff. If you worship at the altar of bacon, this is your eccumenical supply store. If you shop here, not only will your body and lips smell of bacon, but so will your underwear, and your pillow too. You will never again have to eat non-bacon-flavored foods, have non-bacon-flavored sex, or spend your afterlife in a non-bacon-scented coffin. But even this miracle mall won't be your one-stop bacon shop, because the only bacon flavored product that they don't appear to sell, is bacon itself.

Up until now, if you wanted something to taste like bacon, you had to add bacon, or bacon flavor, to it. But, in an obvious rebellion against the power of the Pork Industrial Complex, researchers at the Oregon State University have created and patented a strain of seaweed that naturally tastes like bacon when fried. And the best part is, it's actually good for you! And if you put to one side the fact that this happy accident was the result of genetic engineering, this might be the one actually good thing to come out of this deep, and uncomfortable, bacon-flavored rabbit hole we've fallen into together