Gross Cocktails People Actually Drink

About five minutes after the first cocktail was invented, a drunk guy watching from down the bar thought to himself: I bet I could invent an awesome cocktail too. And ever since, every time some wannabe barman has come into contact with a half-decent liquor selection, we get a whole lot of bad ideas floating to the surface. Unfortunately, some of the time, an idea sticks around just long enough to make its way onto the Internet and a few less discerning cocktail menus, where they live forever, surviving on the willingness of stupid drunk people to do something they'll regret the next day.

Whoever came up with this name was trying too hard to be clever, and anyone who drinks it is trying too hard to get drunk. Because this isn't so much a cocktail as it is a time saver. Made from equal parts Jameson, Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam, Jack Daniel's, and Bacardi 151, this drink, posted on DrinkNation, makes more sense written down (at least until the Bacardi part), than it does tipped up. Any positive features a more discriminating drinker might have been able to appreciate in any of the individual ingredients are lost in the melee, virtually forcing the drinker to knock it back in one go. Perfect for when you want to forget, start a fight, or forget to start a fight. Less perfect for when you want to look classy, sound smart, and walk someone home at the end of the evening.

Whether or not this is actually a cocktail depends on how you define a cocktail, but since the theme of this article is "liquor with other stuff thrown in" we can probably just carry right on. This particular "beverage" was probably the creation of a drunk Canadian student who turned up at a frat party with a box of Kraft Easy Mac, a bottle of rum, and some drunk inspiration. According to My Jell-o Americans it can be easily produced by putting most of the ingredients for mac and cheese (including the milk, cooked macaroni, and some Velveeta) in a glass, then mix the powdered cheese with the rum and pour over the top. It sounds like it belongs in a similar category to "beer on cereal," but since actual mac and cheese is starting to be served in the kind of restaurant that charges an arm and a leg for shabby chic, this particular concoction may last longer than you think.

Apparently harking from south of the border, Chelada is the probably inevitable offspring of Clamato juice and Budweiser. For those unfamiliar, Clamato juice is the fairly disturbing combination of clam and tomato juice served in a can. And Anheuser Busch have taken that a step further by throwing in some Budweiser and making it available in special 25 ounce cans, which is either a really good, or really bad thing depending on your thoughts on clam juice. In all honesty it sounds like the punchline to a bad joke involving the King of Beers hanging out in a bar with Poseidon, and it would probably include the kind of puns that leave a bad taste in the mouth. So we'll just set the joke aside and leave the bad taste in cans of Chelada.

To celebrate Star Wars Day (May the fourth...get it?) in 2013, the Drinking in America blog shared a few appropriately themed cocktail recipes, and one stood out. Not so much a cocktail as some kind of fan art for The Empire Strikes Back, the Giggling Yoda bears more resemblance to Yoda's swamp than the Jedi Master himself. Now, one ounce vodka, half a pear, six green grapes, two teaspoons of lime juice, and a sprig of mint doesn't sound too terrible. But the fact that everything is blended up into a lumpy green bubbly mess with only one measly ounce of vodka, means you'll need to drink enough to sink an X-wing if you want to forget you tried it in the first place.

The Lucky Charms Martini is equal parts lazy cop out, unnecessary product placement, lame nostalgia, and offensive cultural appropriation, all shaken up with ice until it stopped being funny, not to mention the desecration of a classic cocktail to boot. How marshmallow vodka, half-and-half, creme de menthe, and children's cereal can be described as a martini is anyone's guess, but that it is probably disgusting takes no guess at all. This cocktail first appeared around St. Patrick's day in 2014, which also happened to coincide with the 50th anniversary of the Lucky the leprechaun mascot who adorns every box of Lucky Charms. General Mills, the producer of Lucky Charms, actually invented the Lucky Charms Martini themselves at the time of the anniversary (well, at least according to the writers of the We Are Not Martha Blog). Because when you've already capitalized on one cultural stereotype, why not double down and use another one to sell even more?

The closest thing to a real martini on this list, containing actual gin and vermouth, the shrimp cocktail martini should definitely be considered "dirty." Created by by Gina Chersevani from Fine Cooking (and posted on the Danielle Rollins blog), this particular martini takes gin and vermouth and stirs in the juice from a jar of pickled shrimp, before adding a pickled shrimp and tomato as garnish. Anyone who doesn't think shrimp is an inappropriate ingredient for a cocktail, probably likes to have clamato juice every morning, and has a six-pack of Chelado hidden in the couch just in case.

Leading the pack for the most gag-inducing name, the Smoker's Cough doesn't disappoint. Reviewed in a video by Common Man Cocktails, the Smoker's Cough is a relatively simple mixture of one-and-a-half ounces of Jaegermeister in a glass with a teaspoon of mayo: living proof that there is literally nothing that someone won't try to "improve" with a condiment. And you know they probably tried ketchup first. But it just goes to show that there's an easy route to every goal, even if that goal is gagging.