Fuller House: The Dumbest Parts Of This Dumb Show

A lot of stupid things happen in Fuller House. So many that we couldn't fit everything onto this list. (Hunter Pence, you and your awful cameo have been spared.) As the show celebrates its second season renewal, we're giving you a few reasons the show never should have existed in the first place. Binge read them now.

When the Olsen twins confirmed they wouldn't be reprising their shared role as the youngest Tanner daughter, Michelle, writers were left with the awkward task of addressing Michelle's absence while moving the show forward without her. Ultimately, they decided to get it over with right away. In episode one, Danny lets the family know that Michelle couldn't be there because she's busy with her New York fashion line. And then, something weird happens. The entire cast looks directly into the camera with a knowing look of shade, as if the Olsen twins turned down some type of Oscar-worthy project. In the cast's eyes, maybe they did; Lord knows the majority of them haven't done much since Full House was canceled. But from a purely quality standpoint, the Olsen twins ultimately dodged a bullet. Fuller House is equal parts dated, boring, and unfunny. It achieves the heretofore impossible task of making the original comedy look like some sort of masterpiece. It may have gotten the first laugh in the pilot, but 13 episodes later, the Olsen twins definitely got the last.

Even though Fuller House didn't live up to our expectations, there was still something nostalgic about seeing the entire cast together again in the pilot. The writing may suck, but maybe the show could get by on chemistry alone, right? That didn't happen. The reason: the writers decided to focus the show on Candace Cameron Bure's DJ Tanner and her kids, rather than the Tanners. As a result, Dave Coulier, Bob Saget and John Stamos were relegated to guest stars. After the pilot, they only appear individually and in random, lazy storylines. Saget, for example, doesn't come back until episode eight, and it's only because his character, Danny, is in town for a Wake Up, San Francisco reunion. He disappears shortly thereafter, and doesn't even come back for the finale. Worse was episode nine, in which DJ, Stephanie (Jodie Sweetin) and Kimmy (Andrea Barber) try to figure out which mystery man sent a ton of flowers to their house, and to whom. In the end: it was Uncle Jesse, who appears at the end of the episode to tell his wife, Becky, the roses are for her. Lame. Breaking up the family may have been an inevitable move to push the show forward. But the lazy way in which characters come and go makes Fuller House's nostalgia-hungry audience feel cheated, like victims of false advertising.

Perhaps because we know what happened to Sweetin's post-Full House career, Stephanie's decision to give up her successful, world-renowned DJing career (for which she goes by, that's right, "DJ Tanner") to move in and help a recently windowed DJ raise her three boys feels impractical and downright irresponsible. It's a manipulative plot device designed as something heartfelt. The same is true of Kimmy's impromptu decision to move in, especially when it means displacing her young daughter who's already dealing with her parents' separation. But perhaps the dumbest part about all of this is Danny's abrupt decision to pull the Tanner family house from the market and let DJ and her boys live there instead. That makes absolutely zero sense in today's housing market, which, to be fair, Uncle Jesse admittedly points out. The smart thing would have been to sell the house for a few million, give DJ some cash, set her up in a nice place and move the hell on. Anything else just feels contrived.

Towards the end of episode three, in which Stephanie and Kimmy convince DJ to come with them to Da Club, Stephanie gets an unexpected visit from her good friend, singer Macy Gray. Gray's cameo is depressing for multiple reasons. For one thing, it's clear that Gray probably wasn't the show's first choice. When was the last time she had a hit single? For another, Gray has been doing some pretty interesting acting work in Lee Daniels' movies, including Precious. Seeing her show up to sing the theme song from Dirty Dancing with Stephanie while DJ and two cast members from Dancing with the Stars re-create the famous "lift" scene (don't ask) just makes the show feel that much more dated. Oh, and by the way: that's just one of many, many random singing scenes performed throughout season one. Others include a Spice Girls interlude and a scene in which DJ and her high school boyfriend Steve (a role reprised by Scott Weinger) re-create the pottery scene from Ghost while making dinner. Ugh.

Full House existed in a simpler time, when kids weren't glued to their phones or tweeting every five seconds. So, inevitably, Fuller House had to implement technology and social media in some capacity. The way they do it is embarrassing, as if it the ideas were developed by a 50-year-old writer...and, you know, they probably were. In one instance, DJ posts a picture to her Facebook of Stephanie and DJ's kids soaking in tomato soup baths after they got sprayed by a skunk, even though it's at her office and that picture could get her, you know, fired. In another episode, Joey bans everyone's cell phones so they can ultimately learn that playing with silly spring is REAL LIFE. DJ even makes a Y2K joke at one point, which will make you die a little inside.

In one episode, Kimmy, a party planner, stresses out because her client suddenly demands an Indian-themed party at the last minute. There's no logical reason for this plot turn. In fact, it's designed solely to allow Stephanie to rent a cow and hide from DJ it in the kitchen, and for the episode to end with a Slumdog Millionaire-style dance sequence in the backyard that is just as terrible as it sounds. Seriously: if the writers want to go for cheap gags like these, they should be prepared to pay the price.

What wound an outdated sitcom be without at least one or two traces of homophobia? Towards the end of the season, DJ finds herself caught between two men: her high school sweetheart, Steve, and her hunky new coworker. They both willingly compete for her heart in front of each other (because why not?) during which they accidentally lock lips while attempting to kiss DJ at the same time. Later, Kimmy plants one on Stephanie after Stephanie sings a song to her written by her ex-husband (again, don't ask). In both cases, the audience reacts with shock, awe and laughter. So did we. But for totally different reasons.